5 months out, 50 pounds down

I can't believe it's already been over 5 months since my surgery. Honestly, most days I can't even tell that I had surgery because I am so adjusted to the new normal. I don't feel the restriction of my new smaller stomach much either, perhaps because it has stretched out some already but also because I naturally serve myself smaller portions now.  In the grand scheme of things, it really is the portion size that is the most significant difference than before surgery.  I still allow myself treats sometimes just like before and mostly that feels right, though I have to fight off the temptation of junky treats (yes, twizzlers, I am talking about you!) and save the calories for the really worthwhile stuff (fresh avocado, high quality dark chocolate.)

I am still losing weight but much more slowly now. It frustrates me but it makes sense intellectually. I would like to lose another 30 pounds, which at this rate will probably take me 6 more months, at least. I never could have lost anywhere close to 51 pounds on my own and so I am hopefully that if I follow the "rules" my surgeon gave me I will get to my goal eventually.  I have a 6-month check up with the surgeon in a couple of weeks and I will get the results of extensive blood work they did recently- I am hoping that will be very affirming and show that I have already improved my health.

Back after a Break

I took an extended break from blogging- to my perfectly honest, it was bumming me out that no one ever comments on my blog.  Silly, I know...  But my weight loss has started to slow down and I thought starting to blog again might be a good way to articulate what's working and where I need to improve to stay on track.

First the good news, I have lost 37 pounds total and I feel great physically.  I'm wearing smaller clothes and I feel much better about my appearance overall.  I am doing a pretty good job of meeting my protein goal (60-80 grams per day) on a consistent basis.  I am staying away from all carbonation, most caffeine and all alcohol.  I am wearing my fitbit one every day and trying to increase my daily activity (steps, stair climbing).  I am paying close attention to the feeling of restriction when I eat and stopping when I feel it so I don't stretch out my sleeve.

But I am not quite following all of the rules.  The biggest one is the "no grazing" rule.  My surgeon and nutritionist said I should be eating 5-6 small meals or snacks per day maximum.  Because I eat small quantities, I only stay full for about 45 minutes or so.  It takes lots of willpower (never my strong suit...) not to snack every hour all day long and I haven't been staying on track.  I decided this morning to try setting the timer on my phone for 2 hours whenever I finish eating so I don't eat again until the timer goes off.  This should help me distinguish between true hunger, thirst and boredom or feeling down.

I am supposed to be drinking 64+ ounces of sugar-free liquids a day and I am not getting nearly enough.  I forget or I pour myself a drink but don't actually drink it or I don't have something to drink available when I notice I am thirsty.  I really need to work on this one, both because dehydration could be unhealthy and because the liquids should help me feel full between meals and snacks.

I am supposed to eat protein first, then fruits and vegetables, and starches only if I have room.  This is a hard one for me because eating one food at a time doesn't feel normal and I still have cravings for sweets.  I seem to be able to tolerate eating basically anything, which is a mixed blessing!

I am also not doing much cardio exercise or weight training.  What I love about the fitbit is that it motivates me to meet my daily goals without making me feel guilty.  Because I associate exercise with punishment, the fitbit helps me think in terms of "activity" rather than "exercise."  Increasing my activity and adding light weight training would be good for my weight loss and my overall health (and mood) but I haven't yet found a groove.

Now that I've written this all out, I see I have a lot to still work on.   Onward and upward.

One Month Check-Up

Saw my surgeon and my nutritionist yesterday for my one month check-up.  Nutritionist wasn't thrilled to hear that I am eating every 2 hours and wants me to limit it to every 3 hours and drink lots of water in between.  She claims I won't get as hungry when I am eating "heartier" foods, which I hope is true.  I am now on the soft foods phase so I can eat most things except for raw fruits, raw veggies, nuts and seeds.  However, just because I can technically eat something doesn't mean that either my sleeve will tolerate well or that it's good for me.  Surgeon wants me to shoot for 80 grams of protein a day, which is a lot!!!  Since I don't eat meat or poultry and they want me to reduce my dependency on protein shakes (no argument there!), I am going to be eating a lot of dairy products, soy, eggs and tuna!  He told me that he is proud of me and pleased with my progress and that makes me happy. 

Four weeks since surgery

Yesterday was my 4 week anniversary! I am feeling much more normal than I did during the first few weeks. I still tire easily but that's not a big surprise given how little I am eating, how much stress I am under, and how hot it is outside. I am totally sick of my puréed diet but am allowed to advance to the next stage- soft foods- on Thursday. I have started a bit early by experimenting with some finely chopped egg salad and smoked salmon salad (two separate things.) so far so good.  The only things forbidden on the next stage are raw fruits and veggies and nuts and seeds but many people find there are other things they just can't tolerate yet. (Still no caffeine, added sugar, carbonation or alcohol as well.) The rule is to always eat protein first, then veggies, and only fruit or starch if you still have room.  This helps the healing process and helps the body choose to lose fat rather than muscle mass. Since I don't eat meat or poultry or shellfish, I will be eating a lot of fish, eggs, and dairy products.  Beans are hard to digest at this stage but very well-cooked beans in small amounts may be ok. My hope is that I can get enough protein from my meals and snacks to go down to one protein shake a day, which would be great because I am super sick of them. As of today I have lost 25 pounds, which feels awesome!

Working and Sleevin'

I went back to work this week. The first few days were pretty rough but I think I learned from them and am hoping I am in a better groove now. Here are my initial tips for going back to work post-op:

You have to figure out ways to make it super easy to get in your liquids and your protein! I bought a mini-fridge for my office because I hate interrupting my work when I am focused on something in order to go to the communal kitchen. If my drinks and snacks are right in my office, it doesn't feel like an interruption to grab something.

Pay attention to what time it is when you eat. During my two weeks off, I didn't worry much about the clock but now I need to make a mental note of what time it is and when I should switch to my next stage.  I haven't set a fixed routine but find that eating every three hours helps me keep my energy up.  For example, today I had a protein shake at 9am, Greek yogurt at noon, and another protein shake around 3pm. I got in my liquids in between by having a glass of water around 7:30am, decaf iced tea around 10 and a vitamin water zero at 4pm. I forgot to drink between 1-3 but at least that wasn't too long of a stretch. I ate baby food  for dinner around 6:30pm (a surprising tasty purée of beans and veggies variety brought to me by a co-worker. Especially good once I added some salt and pepper!) I had a low-sugar yogurt Popsicle for dessert around 7:30 and now I am drinking some crystal light.

Wear comfortable clothes. Sitting in one position for a long period of time is a bit hard on my incisions and it helps to be wearing loose clothing.

Warn co-workers than your new baby stomach makes loud noises after eating so you won't be as embarrassed when it happens.

Back to Work and Purée Experimentation Phase

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my surgery and my first day back at work full-time.  I feel ready- my pain is almost gone at this point, I am sleeping well at night, and as long as I get enough protein and liquids are don't go too long without eating my energy is not bad. I still have some activity restrictions- lifting greater than 10 pounds, swimming, heavy exercise, but otherwise I am free to go about my day normally except for the special diet.  The diet is ok- I graduated from the liquid diet to the purée stage, which will last for 3 weeks. Basically everything I eat has to be the consistency of stage 1 or 2 baby food, which means completely smooth and quite runny.  I also need to get in a minimum of 60 grams of protein per day, which is quite a challenge with the very small stomach capacity.  At this point, I usually have room for about 1/4 cup of food per meal.  For whatever reasons, certain foods are much easier to tolerate than others, which seems to have little rhyme or reason.  Here's what I have tried so far and how it worked out for me:
Cottage cheese mixed with stage 1 baby apples sprinkled with cinnamon- good
Runny mashed potatoes mixed with "chicken" broth flavored protein powder- so/so
Runny cream of wheat mixed with vanilla protein powder- good
Cottage cheese mixed with baby squash- couldn't get it down at all
Plain Greek yogurt mixed with baby apples- good
Runny mashed potatoes mixed with unflavored protein powder- good
Sugar free dark chocolate pudding mixed with plain Greek yogurt, creamy peanut butter, PB2, and milk- good
Low-fat ricotta mixed with tomato sauce, heated- good
Butternut squash soup mixed with unflavored protein powder- couldn't get it down

Not the world's most interesting diet but it works!

Ups and Downs

It's been eight days since my surgery and I am still recovering and not ready for much else.  I started driving yesterday and it was quite uncomfortable physically so I am going to stick close to home and only drive when necessary until my incisions are less sore.  I have 6 incisions and most of them feel ok most of the time but the one above my belly button really hurts, even when I am just sitting on the couch.  I don't think it's infected (the doctor gave me a handout on what to look out for and I don't have any of the signs of infection) but I am surprised that it hurts as much as it does.  I see my doctor tomorrow so they will check it and make sure everything's ok.  I also want to talk to the doc about pain management because I feel like they gave contradictory messages- take the heavy duty pain meds if you need it vs. try to wean yourself off the narcotics as soon as possible.  Um, which one is it?  I have stopped the narcotics except at bedtime but it the pain is definitely a bummer without them. Plain tylenol doesn't really help at all and I'm not allowed NSAIDs (advil, aleve, aspirin.)  In other news, as of this morning I have lost 8 pounds since my surgery.  I lost 10 before surgery so I am down 18 pounds total. Amazing!  I stay on a liquid diet for another 2 days and then I will be allowed to eat smooth purees- stage one or two baby food, soups, sugar-free yogurt, etc.

So how am I spending my time? Mostly watching lots of TV while slowly sipping on protein shakes and vitamin water zero.  My dvr is empty at this point so I've resorted to sitcom reruns: Roseanne, Will & Grace- currently watching a fun episode called The Unsinkable Mommy Adler, The People's Court (I want to be Judge Marilyn Milian in my next life),  and my newest guilty pleasure- Botched on E!, which is a reality show about a pair of plastic surgeons who fix patients' botched plastic surgeries by (you guessed it) more plastic surgeries.

5 Days Post-Op and Getting Better Bit by Bit

I can't believe it's already been five days since my surgery.  Overall it's really been an easier recovery than I expected.  I am quite sore in and around my incisions but the pain is getting easier to tolerate each day.  I'm on a liquid diet and tolerating protein shakes and diluted smooth soups pretty well as long as I go slow.  I came home from the hospital really swollen and actually didn't get back to my day of surgery weight until this morning because of all the IV fluids.  I can't drive yet so I am sticking close to home resting a lot, playing online and checking in with my June 30th surgery buddies on www.bariatricpal.com and watching season one of Veep, my newest favorite!

A New Day

What a difference some sleep makes! I feel pretty darn good today, especially when I take my painkillers.

Cranky lady

Came home from the hospital a couple of hours ago.  I am feeling torn between the blog post I feel I SHOULD write about how blessed I am because my surgery went so smoothly and my first day of recovery has been pretty darn easy from a medical standpoint... but unfortunately the honest truth at this moment is that I am feeling really cranky and annoyed at the world, including my cellphone, which randomly completely died yesterday and has been total unresponsive to my attempts at resuscitation, the nurse who misinformed me of the hospital pharmacy's closing time so it was already closed when my mom went to get my medication. After visiting 2 other pharmacies and calling 4 others and striking out every time, I finally gave up and called my surgeon's office and the answering service paged the doctor. He called me immediately (love him!) and was very sweet and he called in a different, more readily available medication, which my mom is out picking up now.  I can't seem to find a comfortable position to rest in and my autistic son is having a really, really hard time with the changes to his routine that are necessary this week.  Our plan that my mom would take care of me so my partner could take care of our son sounded reasonable in advance but is proving far more complicated for a variety of reasons. The most comfortable chair in our house happens to be the cat's favorite too and no matter how many times I shoo her away she keeps trying to climb back into my (very sore) lap. Did I mention there was also an explosive diarrhea episode (my son's, not mine) which my poor partner had to deal with all on her own because I am definitely not up to scrubbing the soiled carpet? We all just need to get through the next hour and then we can hopefully all get some much neded sleep. The bus will pick my son up tomorrow around 8am and I am so looking forward to having time to rest and relax while he is at camp.

Surgery is Over

Well I had my surgery yesterday and so far I am doing pretty well.  I had a lot of pain when I first woke up from anesthesia but they gave me medication in my IV that gave me major relief quickly.  Since then I have mostly felt crampy and sore, which ranges from quite mild to fairly uncomfortable, but I have asked for more pain meds when it gets stronger (about every 3-4 hours) and they work quite well.  I have been up walking around doing laps on my hospital floor and it feels good to move. They gave me my first meal a few minutes ago- broth, jello, and lemon flavored water.  I tried a tiny spoonful of the broth but it smelled yucky and I decided against having any more of it.  The jello tastes good and I have had about 3 spoons full, which has felt fine. I have been very fortunate and haven't had much nausea, which is great.  The doctor should be by in a few hours and then I should get to go home. I am a little worried about the pain getting worse at home without the iv meds option but I think it will be ok.

Today's the day

Surgery!  I head to the hospital in one hour.  I am nervous but still 100% committed to doing this.  Here I go...

The final countdown!

My surgery is in less than 48 hours!  I'm feeling calmer than I expected- definitely somewhat nervous but not so much that I am questioning my decision to do this thing.  I continue to feel a lot of relief that I will no longer be so overwhelmed by my struggle with obesity because I will have the powerful tool of the sleeve, the support of my surgeon and his team, the awesome community of fellow sleevers I am discovering online, especially on www.bariatricpal.com, and lots of friends, family and co-workers cheering me on.  Of course I am worried about pain and how difficult the first few weeks (months?) of recovery will be, but this still seems like the smartest choice and investment in myself I've ever made.

Pre-op Diet

I am on day 3 of my required one week pre-op diet. I get 3 protein shakes per day plus unlimited raw or steamed non-starchy vegetables, one small fruit, up to 2 tablespoons of oil or salad dressing, broth and sugar-free liquids.  It has been mostly ok so far except for last night when I had a terrible headache.  My favorite part is that sugar free Popsicles and jello count as liquids, which is nice because they still feel like a treat.  I have two more days of this stage and then the final two days before my surgery are just shakes and liquids, no fruits or veggies.  Not clear to me if I will be used to this by then or I will be ravenous.  Nerves are kicking in about my surgery but so far it hasn't been too overwhelming.  I ran into an acquaintance today who had gastric sleeve surgery two months ago from the same surgeon and she looked fantastic and said she is feeling great.  This is really happening!

Returning to the Scene

One of the strange things about being obese, at least for me, is the combination of being both hyper aware of my size and also in denial about it.  Last summer I was forced to confront reality when I visited an amusement park with my family and just barely fit into one of the rides. It was a pirate ship ride. The attendant went to pull down the shared bar that acts as a seatbelt and my stomach was in the way so I had to suck it in with all my might so she could get it into the locked position. It was mortifying. It was a wake up call for me and forced me to confront that my weight was literally getting in my way and beginning to create problems for those around me.  We're headed back to the same park in a few days for a last little family vacation before my surgery and I am hoping that I won't encounter more difficulties.  If I do, it will just be a reminder of why I need to have surgery to help me deal with this problem.

Last night at the monthly bariatric support group, they started the meeting by encouraging everyone to sign up for a walk against obesity this fall.  The leader talked about how important it is to raise money for obesity research and what a horrible disease obesity is. It brought up a lot of feelings for me- thinking of obesity as a disease is so different from my usual internal messaging about how I am fat because I am lazy and weak and damaged.  The shame and self blame are so deeply rooted for me.  I can't imagine asking people to donate money for obesity research although intellectually I understand why research is important and badly needed.  That's why I continue to talk openly about my surgery- because I hope that acting as if there is nothing to hide or be embarrassed by will help me begin to believe it.

17 Days Until Surgery

Well folks this is starting to feel quite real!  I've started shopping for my pre and post surgery needs (lots of protein shakes and broth) and I am busy finishing things up at work because I will be out for two weeks as I recover.  Monday I see the surgeon for the pre-op appointment so hopefully I will get a better sense of what to expect.  I got a really funny fortune at the Chinese Restaurant today: "As long as you don't sign up for anything new, you'll do fine."  Not exactly the message I was looking for but I guess getting most of your stomach removed isn't really something "new."

#YesAllWomen

I've been thinking a lot about the #yesallwomen twitter campaign that developed last week following the horrible massacre in Santa Barbara.  As I read some of the top tweets and news articles related to the problems of sexual assault and objectification of women and the vulnerability women and girls feel in daily life, I was thinking about how being obese offers a certain reprieve  I remember reading Fat Is A Feminist Issue a long time ago and it was the first time I thought about the connection between my weight and my sense of personal safety.  The truth is that while being obese is very difficult for me emotionally, it does make me feel protected.  Obese women in our society move through the world with a type of invisibility.  I've been thin before and I know that unwanted stares, cat calls, being hit on by random men are all way more common when you're not obese.  I used to be incredibly scared of becoming the victim of a violent crime by men, so much so that I avoided going out after dark alone, getting into elevators, even letting in repairmen, because I was afraid.  Those fears have minimized a lot over time, which is a good thing, and I'm a little worried that when I start losing weight, some of my fears will resurface.

When I first came out as a lesbian, my mother (see disclaimer/admission of guilt below) asked me if the reason I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman was because losing weight was really hard and most straight men don't find overweight women attractive.  I didn't appreciate the question- both because it expressed doubt about the truth of my identity and also because it was another example of the destructive messages I heard throughout my childhood about how being fat made a miserable, lonely life inevitable and that only thin women had permission to see themselves as beautiful.

When I was in college, I went through a period of extreme dieting and lost about 40 pounds, becoming truly thin for the first time since before puberty.  I thought that since being overweight was such a dreadful fate that when I lost the weight I would be happy and feel pretty for the first time.  It didn't happen- other people- men and women- gave me lots of positive feedback about my appearance but I felt uglier than ever.  All of the self-criticism and negative messages I used to tell myself about my weight I just transferred onto other aspects of my appearance- my skin, my nose, my teeth, you name it.  I got very seriously depressed because a key part of my worldview, my belief that thin=happy and my weight was THE priority problem in my life, turned out to be totally bogus.  Within a year I started gaining weight and by the time I graduated from college I had put back on the 40 pounds plus an extra 25.  That was over 15 years ago.  I embark on this new weight loss journey much more cautious and aware of my baggage and woundedness- hopeful that weight loss will help me feel good about myself while also knowing that it's in no way a magic solution.

special note: I feel very guilty writing about my mother but there's just no way I can be honest in this blog without acknowledging the realities of my formative experiences, including my mother's own struggles with weight and body image and the way the messages she gave me about these issues impacted (and, to be honest, traumatized)- me.  I love her and she loves me- and my mother never intended to cause me pain or distress- I know that for sure  I hope if she ever reads this blog she will not be too hurt by my words and will understand that my intention is never to embarrass or malign her, only to help myself work through my issues in the service of healing and growth.

Protein Shake Reviews

Part of my preparation for surgery has been to try out different protein shakes, which will be my primary nutrition in the week before and a couple of weeks after surgery.  I prefer the ready-to-drink type because it is convenient and they tend to be less clumpy.  Whenever I find a winner, I will share it on this blog in case others might want to try it.  One of my current favorite is the store-brand chocolate "Fitness Protein Shake" sold at Giant supermarkets. It's chocolately, thin and smooth, and has no weird aftertaste.  They cost $5.99 for a 4-pack, which is a great price.  I give it 4 out of 5 stars!

Update- I tried the Ensure High Protein Chocolate shake and it is great- I think it is my new favorite. Very smooth and not chalky. The only downside is the price- $9.99 for a 4-pack at Target (and even more at other stores.) 4 out of 5 stars!

I finally found a non-chocolate shake that I light- Muscle Milk Light in Peach Mango!  Fruit flavor is mild but pleasant, shake is thin and smooth, no aftertaste.  I found it on clearance at Vitamin Shoppe for $1.49.  4 out of 5 stars!

Support Group

Went to my first bariatric support group meeting last night.  I was totally expecting a room full of people sitting in a circle and talking about what struggles they are having.  Nope- this was a totally different thing. Turns out the "support group" is actually just an informational meeting and there is a different guest speaker each month who gives a presentation and then there's a Q & A question.  This month's presenter was a plastic surgeon (Dr. Long's website) who talked about surgical skin removal options after "massive" weight loss.  Here's what I learned:

1. Insurance companies don't care if you have tons of extra skin that looks and feels gross- there's almost no chance they will cover surgery for skin removal unless you are getting very severe infections and rashes that will not respond to other treatments. 
2. Recovery from plastic surgery can be very painful, especially from tummy tucks since it involves tightening the muscles as well as removing skin and fat.  
3. There's no way to predict whether your excess skin following weight loss will be mild or severe and there's basically nothing you can do about it.  It's a mystery combo of genetics, age, degree of obesity, and luck.  
4. Plastic surgery is expensive!  The doc wasn't exactly sure of his rates but it sounded like patients who want to address multiple body parts (like tummy tuck and breast list) pay $20,000+.  Many patients go back for more surgery later on.  There was a short testimonial from a sweet older woman who lost 115 pounds and had her "bat wings" removed and a breast lift, then a year later got a tummy tuck. I must say she looked great.  

I am going to try not to worry about how loose and hangy my skin might get- I've lost a lot of weight before and I didn't have a major problem with excess skin so hopefully I won't this time around either.  

Makes Me Happy List

I've decided that trying to make a list of coping strategies may be overly ambitious and instead and I should start by making a list of activities that make me happy that I can refer to when I need to brighten my mood or distract myself.  Here's what I so far:

1. Discovering new TV shows I can binge watch online.  My new fave is Suits (big thanks to my brother for recommending it!) 
2. Doing Penn Press Logic Problem Puzzles. This is another one of those things I started doing as a kid and have always enjoyed.  
3. Reading novels (most recent fave was Where'd You Go, Bernadette), magazines (Health and More especially) or The New York Times.
4. Taking a hot bath and listening to music.
5. Online mock shopping.  I browse the websites of my favorite stores and put stuff in my online shopping cart (but then don't actually buy them.)  Sounds weird I know but I swear it's almost as fun as actual shopping and I don't feel guilty about spending money on stuff I don't need.

It's a start, right?  Tonight I'll be attending my first weight loss surgery support group meeting and then this Friday I'll be meeting with the pulmonary doc to find out the results of my sleep study. Surgery here I come!

Bummed about thumb

I woke up a few days ago with a weird pain in the base of my thumb.  It got worse all day long and soon I couldn't use my left hand at all without sharp pain shooting up my arm.  I tried wrapping it, I tried heat, I tried ice, I took Tylenol.  I felt sorry for myself because I couldn't take Advil or Aleve (surgeon's orders due to gastritis.)  The pain just got worse. I was in pain and it was frustrating and I felt helpless.  And soon the old pattern thoughts rolled in.  "Poor me! I hurt!  I deserve ice cream." and "Maybe I'll feel better if I treat myself to a hot soft pretzel" and "Are there still leftover jelly beans?  Where did I hide them?" Then I caught myself and I realized something- what if this happened just a few weeks after my surgery and turning to food wasn't an option? Yikes! So I tried some other guilty pleasures to cheer me up.  I downloaded a new song, "Sing" by Ed Sheeran.  I watched The People's Court and Family Feud, favorites of mine from childhood.  My thumb still hurt A LOT but I succeeded in lifting my grumpy mood.  The pain got worse overnight and so I went to urgent care in the morning.  Thanks to a cortisone shot and prescription steroids I am feeling much better- I can even type again for short periods!  How do you cheer yourself up or distract yourself when you're not feeling well?

What's on your coping list?

When I met with the psychiatrist for the mandatory pre-surgery consultation, she recommended that I write a list of alternatives to eating for when I am tempted to eat emotionally and carry the list around with me all of the time.  I have been thinking about what could go on my list but haven't actually written it yet.  It's not a new question for me- I spent many therapy sessions over the years bemoaning the fact that I hadn't been able to find satisfying alternatives to emotional eating.  Exercise? No way- feels like a punishment.  Writing in a journal? Helpful for sorting out my thoughts but not a realistic option on the go and not immediate enough. One therapist suggested that since emotional overeating was a learned behavior from very early on in my life, I needed to find something else that would feel primal and soothing.  I bought a giant stuffed teddy bear and tried hugging it tightly when I wanted to eat but I just felt foolish.  So I guess I am still searching.

Being "Out" About Weight Loss Surgery

I've been reading the bariatric sleeve forums on  www.bariatricpal.com for a few months now and one of the popular discussion topics is whether or not to share with others that you are having or have had weight loss surgery.  I totally get why some people prefer to keep it private.  I'm the opposite though- I have been telling everyone I know.  Part of me worries that if I don't lose weight as quickly as other weight loss surgery patients I will be judged or that people will be watching closely to see what I am (and am not) eating.  I've read cautionary tales, warning me that some people react in hurtful or unhelpful ways often implying that weight loss surgery is the "easy way out."   But I want to be "out" about my surgery- because it feels big and important and I want those around me to be supporting me on the journey.  I also feel like making my surgery public honors the magnitude of my struggle- getting most of your stomach surgically removed is pretty extreme and for me it's a powerful way of owning up to the fact that I can't conquer my weight problem alone.  Some people can and do but I am just not one of them- at least not at this time.  I guess I want people to know that I'm not "obese by choice"- I feel imprisoned by my body in its current state and I want to be liberated from it.  I worry that someone reading this words who is also overweight might think I am saying they are bad or in need of fixing and it's actually the opposite- I really admire people who are at peace with their bodies regardless of size or shape- I've just never been able to get there myself.  I see myself as weak- despite how much I want to lose weight, my lifelong patterns of turning to food for comfort and to overeating are just too strong for me to resist them consistently enough to lose weight.  What I love about the sleeve is that you don't have to rely on willpower alone- your new mini-stomach can't tolerate overeating and so you are forced to learn new ways of coping.  The surgery doesn't take away the longing for food (for most people) but it eliminates a lot of the battle by artificially limiting your food intake, so you would have to work hard to overeat instead of having to work hard not to.  I know losing weight will not make my life perfect- I've been thin or average-sized before and I still struggled with self-criticism and negative self-talk.  But my current weight is weighing me down- I feel tired and slow and self-conscious and unattractive.  When I tell people, it feels like sharing good news- "I've found a tool that I think can really help me!  I was feeling very hopeless and now I feel hopeful!"

Got my surgery date!

Today was a big day- I got my surgery date!  It is June 30, which is exactly 8 weeks from today.  I have a few final preparatory steps I need to complete between now and then: blood work to see if my vitamin levels are back up to normal (I was very low in vitamin D, B-12, and iron so I've been taking lots of supplements), a follow up appointment with the pulmonary doc to find out the results of my sleep study, attendance at the monthly bariatric surgery support group, and a full day of pre-surgical tests and information sessions two weeks before surgery. The main thing I'm nervous about at this moment is the requirement that I don't gain any weight or they will cancel my surgery.  It's a standard rule- I think they figure that if you are non-compliant before surgery, you are more likely to be so after surgery, which can lead to complications.  It makes sense, but preparing for weight loss surgery brings up a lot of feelings and not stuffing them down with food is challenging.  It's easy to tell yourself that this will be your last opportunity to eat freely and so you should indulge now while you can. If I do that, I will gain weight! The idea that I'm giving up certain foods forever is not actually true because most sleeve patients can actually eat almost anything once they are fully healed but just not in large quantities.  So I'm trying to follow the pre-surgery eating guidelines they gave me: wean off caffeine, eat little to no sugar, practice eating slowly, and always eat protein first (to fill you up.)  They also recommend starting to exercise.  This morning I took a short walk before work, which was actually a really nice way to start the day.  I also ate several cookies that someone brought to work- not terrible but also not as disciplined as would be ideal.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Welcome to my new blog!

Thank you for checking out my new blog about my weight loss journey and the gastric sleeve!  I've been in the process of getting ready for my surgery for about 4 months.  My insurance approval just came through and so I should be getting my surgery date very soon!

How I got to here: I have struggled with my weight and yo-yo dieting my entire life.  I don't even remember a time when I didn't need to think about what was ok to eat (vs. what was fattening) or when I didn't feel pressure to eat less than I wanted to eat.  Obesity runs in my family and it has always felt like I'm running towards it or away from it at every moment.  Food and overeating have been my best friends and my worst enemies- the things I turn to when I'm sad and often the reason why I'm sad. I've been on every diet under the sun and successfully lost a lot of weight multiple times, always to gain it all back and then some.  I've spent years in therapy trying to understand why my relationship with food and eating and weight is so difficult and intellectually I totally "get it", but changing my behavior in a sustainable way has always been just too hard.  I think of my inability to gain control over my emotional overeating as my biggest failure and it is a source of great shame and pain for me.  Currently at my all-time highest weight, my feelings of shame and frustration are coupled by major concern about my long-term health and the dangers the extra pounds can pose.

Last October, I did something that I rarely do- I asked for help.  I told my endocrinologist that I had lost faith in my ability to lose weight and re-gain my health on my own and asked her to prescribe whatever medication could help me achieve my goals.  Her answer surprised me- she said that all of the medicines out there for obesity are lousy and have terrible side effects and that if I was really serious about losing weight, I should consider bariatric surgery, especially now that the "new" gastric sleeve surgery option was available.

Surgery?  I had never considered it.  Isn't it dangerous?  Doesn't it cost thousands of dollars? Wouldn't it lead to a lifetime of serious digestive problems?  In her office and the weeks that followed I learned that all of my assumptions had been wrong.  Bariatric surgery performed by an experienced surgeon on a mostly healthy patient is actually quite safe.  Most insurance covers it.  For people who are obese but not extremely obese, sleeve gastrectomy is a great option with lower complication rates and MUCH fewer long-term side effects because they don't touch your intestines.  The more I researched, the more I began to believe the the sleeve might be a tool that could help me reach my goals and maintain them and that I owed it myself to seriously consider it.  And that, my blog friends, was the beginning of this journey.