Today's the day

Surgery!  I head to the hospital in one hour.  I am nervous but still 100% committed to doing this.  Here I go...

The final countdown!

My surgery is in less than 48 hours!  I'm feeling calmer than I expected- definitely somewhat nervous but not so much that I am questioning my decision to do this thing.  I continue to feel a lot of relief that I will no longer be so overwhelmed by my struggle with obesity because I will have the powerful tool of the sleeve, the support of my surgeon and his team, the awesome community of fellow sleevers I am discovering online, especially on www.bariatricpal.com, and lots of friends, family and co-workers cheering me on.  Of course I am worried about pain and how difficult the first few weeks (months?) of recovery will be, but this still seems like the smartest choice and investment in myself I've ever made.

Pre-op Diet

I am on day 3 of my required one week pre-op diet. I get 3 protein shakes per day plus unlimited raw or steamed non-starchy vegetables, one small fruit, up to 2 tablespoons of oil or salad dressing, broth and sugar-free liquids.  It has been mostly ok so far except for last night when I had a terrible headache.  My favorite part is that sugar free Popsicles and jello count as liquids, which is nice because they still feel like a treat.  I have two more days of this stage and then the final two days before my surgery are just shakes and liquids, no fruits or veggies.  Not clear to me if I will be used to this by then or I will be ravenous.  Nerves are kicking in about my surgery but so far it hasn't been too overwhelming.  I ran into an acquaintance today who had gastric sleeve surgery two months ago from the same surgeon and she looked fantastic and said she is feeling great.  This is really happening!

Returning to the Scene

One of the strange things about being obese, at least for me, is the combination of being both hyper aware of my size and also in denial about it.  Last summer I was forced to confront reality when I visited an amusement park with my family and just barely fit into one of the rides. It was a pirate ship ride. The attendant went to pull down the shared bar that acts as a seatbelt and my stomach was in the way so I had to suck it in with all my might so she could get it into the locked position. It was mortifying. It was a wake up call for me and forced me to confront that my weight was literally getting in my way and beginning to create problems for those around me.  We're headed back to the same park in a few days for a last little family vacation before my surgery and I am hoping that I won't encounter more difficulties.  If I do, it will just be a reminder of why I need to have surgery to help me deal with this problem.

Last night at the monthly bariatric support group, they started the meeting by encouraging everyone to sign up for a walk against obesity this fall.  The leader talked about how important it is to raise money for obesity research and what a horrible disease obesity is. It brought up a lot of feelings for me- thinking of obesity as a disease is so different from my usual internal messaging about how I am fat because I am lazy and weak and damaged.  The shame and self blame are so deeply rooted for me.  I can't imagine asking people to donate money for obesity research although intellectually I understand why research is important and badly needed.  That's why I continue to talk openly about my surgery- because I hope that acting as if there is nothing to hide or be embarrassed by will help me begin to believe it.

17 Days Until Surgery

Well folks this is starting to feel quite real!  I've started shopping for my pre and post surgery needs (lots of protein shakes and broth) and I am busy finishing things up at work because I will be out for two weeks as I recover.  Monday I see the surgeon for the pre-op appointment so hopefully I will get a better sense of what to expect.  I got a really funny fortune at the Chinese Restaurant today: "As long as you don't sign up for anything new, you'll do fine."  Not exactly the message I was looking for but I guess getting most of your stomach removed isn't really something "new."

#YesAllWomen

I've been thinking a lot about the #yesallwomen twitter campaign that developed last week following the horrible massacre in Santa Barbara.  As I read some of the top tweets and news articles related to the problems of sexual assault and objectification of women and the vulnerability women and girls feel in daily life, I was thinking about how being obese offers a certain reprieve  I remember reading Fat Is A Feminist Issue a long time ago and it was the first time I thought about the connection between my weight and my sense of personal safety.  The truth is that while being obese is very difficult for me emotionally, it does make me feel protected.  Obese women in our society move through the world with a type of invisibility.  I've been thin before and I know that unwanted stares, cat calls, being hit on by random men are all way more common when you're not obese.  I used to be incredibly scared of becoming the victim of a violent crime by men, so much so that I avoided going out after dark alone, getting into elevators, even letting in repairmen, because I was afraid.  Those fears have minimized a lot over time, which is a good thing, and I'm a little worried that when I start losing weight, some of my fears will resurface.

When I first came out as a lesbian, my mother (see disclaimer/admission of guilt below) asked me if the reason I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman was because losing weight was really hard and most straight men don't find overweight women attractive.  I didn't appreciate the question- both because it expressed doubt about the truth of my identity and also because it was another example of the destructive messages I heard throughout my childhood about how being fat made a miserable, lonely life inevitable and that only thin women had permission to see themselves as beautiful.

When I was in college, I went through a period of extreme dieting and lost about 40 pounds, becoming truly thin for the first time since before puberty.  I thought that since being overweight was such a dreadful fate that when I lost the weight I would be happy and feel pretty for the first time.  It didn't happen- other people- men and women- gave me lots of positive feedback about my appearance but I felt uglier than ever.  All of the self-criticism and negative messages I used to tell myself about my weight I just transferred onto other aspects of my appearance- my skin, my nose, my teeth, you name it.  I got very seriously depressed because a key part of my worldview, my belief that thin=happy and my weight was THE priority problem in my life, turned out to be totally bogus.  Within a year I started gaining weight and by the time I graduated from college I had put back on the 40 pounds plus an extra 25.  That was over 15 years ago.  I embark on this new weight loss journey much more cautious and aware of my baggage and woundedness- hopeful that weight loss will help me feel good about myself while also knowing that it's in no way a magic solution.

special note: I feel very guilty writing about my mother but there's just no way I can be honest in this blog without acknowledging the realities of my formative experiences, including my mother's own struggles with weight and body image and the way the messages she gave me about these issues impacted (and, to be honest, traumatized)- me.  I love her and she loves me- and my mother never intended to cause me pain or distress- I know that for sure  I hope if she ever reads this blog she will not be too hurt by my words and will understand that my intention is never to embarrass or malign her, only to help myself work through my issues in the service of healing and growth.