One of the strange things about being obese, at least for me, is the combination of being both hyper aware of my size and also in denial about it. Last summer I was forced to confront reality when I visited an amusement park with my family and just barely fit into one of the rides. It was a pirate ship ride. The attendant went to pull down the shared bar that acts as a seatbelt and my stomach was in the way so I had to suck it in with all my might so she could get it into the locked position. It was mortifying. It was a wake up call for me and forced me to confront that my weight was literally getting in my way and beginning to create problems for those around me. We're headed back to the same park in a few days for a last little family vacation before my surgery and I am hoping that I won't encounter more difficulties. If I do, it will just be a reminder of why I need to have surgery to help me deal with this problem.
Last night at the monthly bariatric support group, they started the meeting by encouraging everyone to sign up for a walk against obesity this fall. The leader talked about how important it is to raise money for obesity research and what a horrible disease obesity is. It brought up a lot of feelings for me- thinking of obesity as a disease is so different from my usual internal messaging about how I am fat because I am lazy and weak and damaged. The shame and self blame are so deeply rooted for me. I can't imagine asking people to donate money for obesity research although intellectually I understand why research is important and badly needed. That's why I continue to talk openly about my surgery- because I hope that acting as if there is nothing to hide or be embarrassed by will help me begin to believe it.
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