Ups and Downs

It's been eight days since my surgery and I am still recovering and not ready for much else.  I started driving yesterday and it was quite uncomfortable physically so I am going to stick close to home and only drive when necessary until my incisions are less sore.  I have 6 incisions and most of them feel ok most of the time but the one above my belly button really hurts, even when I am just sitting on the couch.  I don't think it's infected (the doctor gave me a handout on what to look out for and I don't have any of the signs of infection) but I am surprised that it hurts as much as it does.  I see my doctor tomorrow so they will check it and make sure everything's ok.  I also want to talk to the doc about pain management because I feel like they gave contradictory messages- take the heavy duty pain meds if you need it vs. try to wean yourself off the narcotics as soon as possible.  Um, which one is it?  I have stopped the narcotics except at bedtime but it the pain is definitely a bummer without them. Plain tylenol doesn't really help at all and I'm not allowed NSAIDs (advil, aleve, aspirin.)  In other news, as of this morning I have lost 8 pounds since my surgery.  I lost 10 before surgery so I am down 18 pounds total. Amazing!  I stay on a liquid diet for another 2 days and then I will be allowed to eat smooth purees- stage one or two baby food, soups, sugar-free yogurt, etc.

So how am I spending my time? Mostly watching lots of TV while slowly sipping on protein shakes and vitamin water zero.  My dvr is empty at this point so I've resorted to sitcom reruns: Roseanne, Will & Grace- currently watching a fun episode called The Unsinkable Mommy Adler, The People's Court (I want to be Judge Marilyn Milian in my next life),  and my newest guilty pleasure- Botched on E!, which is a reality show about a pair of plastic surgeons who fix patients' botched plastic surgeries by (you guessed it) more plastic surgeries.

Returning to the Scene

One of the strange things about being obese, at least for me, is the combination of being both hyper aware of my size and also in denial about it.  Last summer I was forced to confront reality when I visited an amusement park with my family and just barely fit into one of the rides. It was a pirate ship ride. The attendant went to pull down the shared bar that acts as a seatbelt and my stomach was in the way so I had to suck it in with all my might so she could get it into the locked position. It was mortifying. It was a wake up call for me and forced me to confront that my weight was literally getting in my way and beginning to create problems for those around me.  We're headed back to the same park in a few days for a last little family vacation before my surgery and I am hoping that I won't encounter more difficulties.  If I do, it will just be a reminder of why I need to have surgery to help me deal with this problem.

Last night at the monthly bariatric support group, they started the meeting by encouraging everyone to sign up for a walk against obesity this fall.  The leader talked about how important it is to raise money for obesity research and what a horrible disease obesity is. It brought up a lot of feelings for me- thinking of obesity as a disease is so different from my usual internal messaging about how I am fat because I am lazy and weak and damaged.  The shame and self blame are so deeply rooted for me.  I can't imagine asking people to donate money for obesity research although intellectually I understand why research is important and badly needed.  That's why I continue to talk openly about my surgery- because I hope that acting as if there is nothing to hide or be embarrassed by will help me begin to believe it.